Let what comes in my way comes.

hi there people.

Time seems to be passing really fast and now it's time for me to do a long long road march, and end my life (read: finish the course, not commit sucide) as a recruit in my term of national service.

Coming to the end of the second course (after the Physical Training Package), BMT (basic military training) has been a less favourable yet more satisfying experience. There were more people around, more egos to feed and destroy, more attitudes, more differing socialised people to work with and last but not least, more activities done.

Some of our fellow recruits have to leave us, some have to recourse. Others, have been enrolled into one of the vocations available, some will attain medical skills, some learning how to control weapons of destruction (or should I say oppression), and some other skills, some other knowledge.

My vocation was announced today, Leaders.

Back then in PTP, I was really expecting and worked hard to be selected into one. Most of my PTP buddies knew about it and was very supportive about it. That feeling was great, and til today, it can be sensed that the same people still support my dream back then. Sincerely from me to you, PTP buddies, Thank you.

During the course of BMT, I interacted with more people. the 'class' of recruits blew up from 30 in each 'class' to the current strength of 59, with one chap being posted out already before it's over. bigger 'class', more bunks. more cliques and more politics. Yes, gaining popularity, impressing instructors, volunteering for 'special tasks', talking their way through and winning sympathy became so common if you just keep in tune to them. Suddenly, even everyone became so artificial and I, sadly, was influenced and turned myself plastic while doing the 'projects' assigned. It didn't feel good.

but i couldn't be myself. Given a task, I would become serious. Others who didn't understand me as well cannot tolerate the degree of seriousness while I fulfil my tasks. when I try to be true to myself, some showed dislike and complains in the grapevine so as I get news of their feelings.

'why so serious?' was the message they give me.

I can understand them but cannot bear to not see to eye their behaviour and attitude. Psychological theories suggest that I can change behaviour (yes I did) but I cannot change their attitudes. true. and I always wondered when will that lousy attitudes will bite them in their faces, whenever I have to raise my voice and yell at people.

after every time i shout at them, I felt moody. Why didn't i just hold my temper in a little and let them be? they are responsible for their own actions, not me! oh ya, i was the in charge for the task and if they get caught. there is a good chance that the whole platoon will get the punishment (another, but yet stronger form of behaviour conditioning).

Coming to this point, I feel my blood somewhat boiling again and at the same time, moody for all the times I shouted at my platoon mates. Need to exert more self control.

I always like to think, "A leader is only characterised not by his action but his men." So, should I swing my pendulum closer to doing tasks or closer to satisfying my men?

War cry, skit, being myself, making and maintaining friends, preventing backstabbing, watching out for the politics, thinking of how to console friends who either didn't do too well at A levels or couldn't stay with the commandos or worse, both and thinking about how to cope with the leaders responsibilities when I have the tendency to sound very harsh when doing tasks.

My seriousness might be a manifestation of my ego and I am creating a defensive mechanism to protect my ego while not being sure if it's that the case?

I'm very tired now. sorry for the bad English or the lack of flow in this post.

Mentally drained,
YuJun