Detested Personality.

Yo PPLE!

ZingO Recruitment Drive 2007 has finally come to an end, and there is not more reason for me to run away from revising for the Final Exams. So, Revise Hard, ONg.

only lately, perhaps this evening, i discovered that me, myself, is not up to a certain standard. you ask me, how do i define this standards? i would say read on and try to use your own standard as a bench mark.

apart from the family factor, which scope can be so extensive that i won't be able to go thru every one's family background, there are the all different aspects of life.

let's start with the main reason why i am not happy with myself. can i ask you a every close-ended question, " if you are sitting at a table of pple and i am in your 'conversationable' range, in other words, will you talk to me voluntarily?"

Well, maybe there will be the "hello! Whats up?!" greeting, but what happens next, blanks stares and followed by changing another subject(person) talk to. Well, you get my point right?? I DON'T HAVE THE X-FACTOR for people to continue holding a conversation with me.

this is how it went, on the 24th evening , there was a movie with the usual gang plus the seniors, Da Vin, Ed and Kel. then when we met up and went from watching a movie to pool session, i felt left out in all the talks and fun that Night creates. it begun with the seniors asking where all of us(or rather the others) are studying, CA at UB/SIM, Teck Wee after O levels, Ruo Han in TP, in the seniors' Salvo (felt a prick in the neck when hearing that comment) and finally, belson in Sim Mei ITE.

just to reassure, i am not jealous with Belson and the others !! ok maybe a little.. but for me, the problem lies with myself i think.

the night went by, while walking, while playing pool, i was treated as if i was an stranger while the others were closer to the seniors than me. for example, playing pool with Edmund, we didn't even talk thru the game while tw and ca had a lot to converse about.

on the way back, i was thinking why this happened. then flashbacks came along to rub salt into my 4 inch deep wound. from the past til now, there is always a pattern, of how i interacted with people; having much to talk abt for a brief period and losing close contact forever from then. ponders and ponders, then this easily saturated point situation does not applies to interaction with people only, but also in all the other aspects of my life.

picking up of skill, learn the basics moderately fast enough but then when to learn further and more, it is as if my capacity to learn is at the saturation point.

then leading me to think that, even the usage of myself from others point of view is the same. at first, i am pretty much easy to use for the everyday task, then at the next stage, people slowly find me unable to cope their demands anymore and then push me aside.

so, is there a problem with my intrapersonal?? is there something wrong with my personality that i had not observed?

or had i created a self-fulfilling prophecy situation? have i behaved in such a way to deserve this treatment from others? some people used to sit around me during lectures, i would talk to them before or after the class, but absolutely not during the lecture. then after a few lectures, they will drift away, finding other classmates to chatter during the lecture. then me, being attentive in class, abstaining from talking to them. does this act makes me boring and having an unattractive personality? knowing that this kind of things will happen, i ignore them and try to be myself. there after, i think that they are chatter boxes and if they want to behave this way, it's not my fault, so let them be. but now, looking back, have i behaved in the way that increased the possibility of them associating me with an detested personality?

these questions won't get out of my mind and because one question leads to another, my mind is filled with questions that i constantly ask myself but dun get any answers. it taxes my mind and somehow, drinking Merlot from the bottle makes me fall asleep and push these questions into the sleepyard.

can i get answers from within? knowing that my defense mechanism, esp rationalisation and sublimation, will be able to counter all answers i get externally..

Kinda depressed and repressed.

is it because of this that it hurts to hear Ruo Han say 'ty' always?

but on a side note, all the participants for the ZingO recruitment drive are successfully accepted, that means more chances to play with weiling(muhahahahaha) but the are still work that i have to do, to make this Recruitment more fruitful.

YuJun / ONg LAi

BBQs are just too troublesome, especially without a car. what incentives are there for me to organise the BBQ this year? omg, one more question in my mind, whiskey pls!!